1. Trudge to the kitchen and notice how your brain is still spinning from copious amounts of alcohol and the way you smell of faded perfume. There are many sad, melancholy feelings clouding your normally clear judgement. You feel like you have been mercilessly crushed like a daisy in a fist. You knock over a pan onto the floor and it clatters, loudly, not unlike your SHATTERED heart. Don’t forget your mobile phone. You will need to periodically check whether you have received a message or a missed call from the heart-breaker/jerk-you-would-take-back/once love of your life.
2. Take out the grater. There are still bits of cheese from the last break-up but you don’t care. The world is a noir, grainy film. Take your lump of cheese and declare that you will have a VERY CHEESY TOASTIE because you deserve it, you survivor. Scrub the cheese with all your anger and your rage. The cheese is his face and you are going to eat his melted face. More cheese is always needed. Replace all the uncomfortable scenes of last night with images of how you’d have liked it to have ended. It will undoubtedly end with him grovelling at your feet because you are SO BEAUTIFUL and SO CLASSY. It may have ended with violence. Either way, you’re the winner.
3. Check your phone every two seconds. Text your friends about how your life has come to screeching halt. Tell them all the horrible things he has done and they will eventually tell you what a jerk he was. Yell that they just DON’T UNDERSTAND what you had together and you couldn’t believe what they just said. Maybe they will care, but they probably won’t. Go through the text messages, savour the sweet memories and cry in the corner. Keep grating the cheese. Your cheese will develop a salty flavour and it will become damper, but you prefer it that way because it would be like eating your feelings. Send a passive-aggressive text to your ex about how you’ve moved on now but if he wanted to get back with you, you’d give him a second chance oh-so-reluctantly. Regret sending that message. Go on a text-message blitz. Delete ALL the messages in your text box and feel like renewed woman.
4. Toast the bread and it will probably burn. Throw it away, anywhere, and be angry, just like the way he threw away your heart! Check his Facebook and see that he’s changed his relationship status to single. Change yours to IT’S COMPLICATED because your life is so damn messed up right now. Look through his pictures and spit in the face of every attractive girl who posts on his wall. They’re totally coming on to him. You’ll probably burn more toast but you love burned toast, because burned toast tastes of ash and hatred and those sluts will NEVER understand the relationship you and him had.
5. Butter the toast. Pile on the butter and don’t stop. Fall into a dark, deep hole and tell yourself that you’re not pretty enough and so you should be fat. But you would probably put loads of butter anyway, regardless, because you love the taste of butter (and it’s low fat butter, okay). Imagine yourself melodramatically getting a heart-attack and then having to call the ambulance and delight in how GUILTY he’ll feel. He’ll wish he never dumped you now.
6. Generously sprinkle the cheese onto the bread but your hand is trembling because you’re about to burst into tears. He really liked cheddar cheese. And toast. And butter. He USED THIS PLATE too. Curse the world, because it is punishing you for some unknown reason. See cinematic, over-romanticised flashbacks of him in the kitchen and ponder how happy you once were. QUICKLY REGAIN SANITY. You’re a beautiful, smart, successful woman! Happiness is a perspective and it doesn’t come in the shape of a man. You swear off dating men because they’re all selfish, greedy idiots. Reward yourself with lots of cheese for this wisdom. Put the cheesy toast in the oven and wait. Sneakily check Facebook again and post a status something along the lines of how amazing you are, and some people just don’t realise it.
7. When the cheese has melted, quickly remove it and press two salami slices into the cheese. CRUSH THE TOAST together so it melts together into cheesy goodness. As you crush the toast, you will be CRUSHING your sorrows and you should think about all the bad things he has done, how inconsiderate he was to forget your dog’s birthday, his horrible ties, his bad breath, the way he snored at night etc. EAT TOAST. As the flavour sweeps through your tongue, empower yourself to be a better woman and achieve self-actualisation. You will be enlightened from this and all the wiser from this ordeal. Realise that things just don’t work out and that some people just suck, period. That and you make damn good cheese toasties.